Dear Reader, Welcome to my blog!

Today, I would like to address the question of, what do I do with this pain? It is a question that we can all relate to. At one point or another, we all have felt pain. That pain can be hurt, grief, disappointment, confusion, depression, shame, anger, insecurity, anxiety, etc. The joys and complexities of being a human being is that we feel. We feel deeply. We feel in moments when it is inconvenient. And we do not get to pick what emotions arrive.

I want to stress, if the pain feels unbearable and/ or you are thinking of harming yourself, please reach out to someone kind in your life. If no such person is available or exists, call National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or go to your nearest emergency room.

If the pain feels like something you can tolerate then, here is the short answer to the question- Surrender to what arrives. Like an unexpected and slightly annoying guest, invite it in. Breathe in. Remind yourself, that this will pass. Feel what arises. Don’t fight it. Don’t try to mask it or avoid. Stay with it. See if it has something to say, ask if there is something it needs, what is the message here? Can you offer it patience and kindness? Can you offer it what it is asking for?

And here is another idea to add when you are struggling-

What is one kind thing you can do for yourself today? Here is what it provides- It reminds you to get in touch with a self that needs nurturance and care. It helps you to get in the habit to think about your needs and feelings. It sends the message that you can self soothe. And I promise you, people do not get better with meanness and attacks toward themselves. People get better with kindness toward themselves and from others. So to ask yourself every day, what is one kind thing that I can do for myself sends the message that you deserve kindness, you deserve to be thought about even if you do not believe it.

You are teaching yourself a new habit and a new practice. And over time it will shift things.

Now, let me demystify the word kindness. The word itself might feel confusing or a mystery. And you may wonder what kind of magnificent thing I could do to neutralize or counter-balance the great pain inside. Or you may even wonder things like: do I deserve kindness and what does kindness toward myself look like. And you may feel: I have nothing to give and I do not know what I need.  If you are feeling and thinking any of those things, know that it is truly ok. Those thoughts and feelings are your starting points. They let you know where you are emotionally. It does not mean you are flawed and fucked up. It does not mean you are stupid and incapable. And it means nothing about your future or your capacity to grow. It means you are struggling and those thoughts/feelings are a manifestation of that pain. 

So when you are struggling to think of what a kind act toward yourself would be, another way to think of it is what would you say to someone you care about What would you offer them? What would you give them? Can you offer that yourself?

And now back to demystifying the word kindness. A kind act does not need to be grand.

a kind act could be...

• a walk in the park
• sitting outside on a bench two steps away from your house while smelling the fresh air
• making yourself some hot tea and sitting in a comfortable place in your house
• reading a favorite author
• journaling
• taking a shower or a bath
• cooking a meal
• calling up a kind person in your life
• listening to the radio while laying in bed

or...

• listening to music
• listening to a podcast
• dancing around in your living room
• jogging or going to the gym
• crying
• coloring or doing some kind of crafty project
• hugging yourself
• meditating
• cleaning your house
• cuddling with your pet
• volunteering

And the list could go on and on. The key here is your intention to be gentle and nurturing toward yourself in a difficult moment in your life. And you do that not to take away the pain but to support yourself as you are going through it.

And sometimes you might find that you are not able to come up with anything or even think of what you would say or suggest to a dear one in your life.  Please, reach out to someone then. Humans beings are not meant to do this alone. Reach out to a friend, or teacher, or therapist, or partner, or relative, or a crisis line. We all need another person to show us kindness in order for us to be able to do it for ourselves one day.

If you want to figure out how to have more kindness in your life, call me at 510-629-1429.

Warmly,
Luba